Hormonal Option Transition

First published February 17, 2009

For those new to these notes, I have to give you a little background. My family and I recently moved to Cairo, Egypt to learn Arabic. Preparing for this move required hundreds of hours and thousands of details. We tried to organize as much as we could to make the transition as smooth as possible.

We looked through our home and packed some things and sold others. Each item had to be sorted and with the help of some fabulous friends, it was accomplished. While we packed we kept our house at its usual temperature...around 67 degrees. We live in Missouri and weather is as unpredictable as the current stock market. No matter the atmosphere outside, the M home was always a perfect cave temperature.

I hate to sweat...for any reason. Add humidity to that and well...it's just not pretty. I thought it rather humorous that as we were considering living abroad that Africa would be dropped into our hearts. They only have 3 temperatures there...hot, hotter still and brain-searing. I couldn't see how this was going to work, but I went willingly personal fan and extra batteries in tow.

We gratefully arrived in Cairo, Egypt in January...their winter. The temperature in the mornings could be as cool as 50 degrees. By afternoon the temperature will climb to 80. Egyptians walk the streets with turtlenecks and puffy ski jackets. I have a long-sleeved shirt more for culture than for warmth.

A ride on the subway made me start to worry. It was later in the afternoon. I was standing on the train holding the little loop above my head and began scanning the crowd. They all had coats on and the windows up. I had little beads of sweat trickling down the side of my face. I thought, "This is the beginning of the end."

I am sweating in winter. Summer can only result in some form of spontaneous combustion and finding me as a pile of powder somewhere. So I got to thinking...what if our superiors created a Hormonal Option Transition (H.O.T.).

This is how it would work...

Women over the age of 40 (some in their late 30s could receive special permission on a case by case basis) would be exchanged to locations in the world that have a temperature of no higher than 69 degrees. Those that are younger, male or super skinny could take their places until their home countries experience the cool season again.

I'm asking that this policy be fast-tracked. Summer is coming. Think of all the sweaty, angry women around the world just trying to keep themselves from showing up on the government radar as nuclear material. World peace is at stake, gentlemen. Think about it as you make your decision.